Never had a boredom post before. So this is how it feels. Hummm not something too great. But I guess considering how bored I am, the activity is rather a sort of actual blessing. I came across a thought – I'm not as changed as I was two weeks ago. I'm falling in to a circle I was trying really hard to fall out of. I cant stop it. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm not actually falling. I'm talking to everyone. I am, I'm just pushing my ill state a little too much maybe? Or maybe it's all in my head… I stopped keeping track of that.
I need professional help. And no –I'm not being stupid, I need it. I have things that need to be resolved by someone that doesn’t know my life. Someone that will forget me the minute I step out of his view and remember me only when I step back in. I need someone that truly does not love me.
Loving me… lol…
How come all posts are this angsty?! I'm that… full of angst!? Guess not, I just find it easy to be angsty here… sort of like a … I don’t know, like an opportunity to get all the crap I have before I face the people I love… as you know, I learned to love my outer life form… so in order to keep it happy and not screw it up by being a drag – I fill up with angst and take it out here. Kinda like orgasming. God I wanna orgasm. I really want to have sex. Really! I wanna! But I'm a pussy (cue punch line drums).. I'm scared of a kiss.. let's not even get to the sex fear. I wonder why I'm that scared. I've been told I'm pretty. That I'm worth a jack off. Then what's so scary?! The pain? The blood? Both? Rejection? The cock? God! Why am I blabbing about sex?! I never got to second base!!!
My first official boredom post I ending – it's was, really, a great 15 minutes! I got to talk about sex.. I should do that more often, I like it 8)
Apparently, I'm not good at sticking with stuff. Well, that was never really a secret.
So, my life is back on track. And I'm actually happy. Maybe my 17 syndrome is on the quiet side for the time being. Really, my days are great. Lol.
I'm doing things that I should have done ages ago. I'm opening up to people. I'm letting them in. I'm giving from myself. It's a really new thing for me you know? And it’s great! And I love it! 8) Who knew?!
Me and my BBF are back on track. It's gonna take a lot of changing and a lot of getting used to – but I think that the new me can do it. It's like I have this New Year revelations of life and shit. I'm putting effort in the other people in my life too… I'm still me. Still brooding, still kinda dark (although my current nail polish is really crazy baby/ Barbie pink), still all in all pretty damn weird. But yet, with all that being said – I'm out there. I'm calling my friends, I'm making plans, I'm enjoying my teen life… sort of… lol!
I'm okay. Really, I am. And finally – I'm actually not afraid of the outside… and it's good, I deserve that.
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know
This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all
Did you say "No, this can't happen to me"
And did you rush to your phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying
"Maybe ... you didn't know him at all"
The bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that it's over
I really hope that this song isnt right in my case .. I really hope so..
Ok , so now? I'm scared to death. It's been almost a week since the TALK. Not a sound was made yet. It probably wont b made until she'll have the easiest way (in her eyes mind you) of saying that she found better and there are stuff bigger than our need (that she of course dose not have) and that we both deserve better and so on and so forth. What a bunch of crap.. honestly. I mean - *she* is the one that found something else, *she* is the one not losing anything when this silence, *she* will just go back to normal, *she* has that connection again. Because she was building it while I was doing my best to keep my thoughts to myself so that she could expend and not have only me in her world. Very smart of me.
I'm not sure I can go out there again. Say that we need to talk. I'm not sure I want to hear that last goodbye.
It's driving me crazy knowing that she is not giving it, *us* any attention! She has her and now I'm crap. It's okay not to think of what happened!
Dimmit! I want her back and she wont have cause I've been pushed (both with my hands , her hands, and the hands of the new one) out and the gates are closed now. And that, my friend, is a vary.. almost to scary thought.
So in complete change from yesterday – today was FINALLY a good day!!
It's probably the aftermath of yesterday's night. So I guess I'm not really alone 8) how wach crazy is that?! So apparently I don’t fall alone. I have people to fall on.. what have I done to deserve that is beyond me.. but I have them. They made it very clear last night.
It all started with one MSN from Bar saying that I'm finally online and much more yayness. Then a message from Liran, MSNing my name with a scream 8). Then, a call from Nofar, saying she was home alone (alas!! Macaulay Culking is here for hot blond sex!! Yay for me!!!!) and bored and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with her. I did go. We talked.. A lot!! Then picked up Bar and Liran and just. Hung out. When I talked about my latest epiphany Bar looked at me seriously and said that I will always have them with me. No matter what.. no matter how. That, naturally – me being the sappy self that I am , made me shed a tear that went unnoticed because an undrunk Bar was hugging me refusing to let go.
You will never know how much their love means to me. How.. at home.. and at ease I fell with them.
So maybe I am falling apart.. but at least now I know, someone will be there to help me put them back. And that my lovely LJ.. is what my heart truly, all along my broken way wanted..
Nofar, Bar, Liran – you are more precious to me then you will ever know. 8)
<3 , with really – all my love – Mika 8)
I;m going crazy.. really, I am.. I think I'm losing it…
Being alone never had an effect on me.. never until now.. (good song that one.. by River Phoenix.. god or who ever is out there bless his soul)
Now my walls are zooming in on me.. now all I want is something to do..
And she says she means nothing to me.. so full of crap is actually starting to scare me. But I guess I deserve all this.. for mistreating her like I did.. shame to lose her.. she really is my life..
I need to change.. I cant keep pushing people away from me.. that's not fair to them.. or to me for that matter.. I'm a good person.. I really am, I just need to let people see that.. I need to be more.. how to put it.. umm accessible! That's the word.. I need to be more accessible! Anyone care to teach me how to do that?
… I didn’t think so…
So, I assume I have to give it a go on my own.. God, I don’t want to..
I'm not even sure I can do it alone.. but then again, it's my fault I have no one to fall on. See, the only one I had? She got fed up with my shit… not that I knew I was giving any..
I always thought my love was out there and obvious.. and it was. Just not to her..
I feel dumb. I feel dumb for mourning on our dean relationship. Somehow, even after yesterday-I cant see her sitting and thinking about it.. Not even the sixth of the tome I spend on it.. Spent on it over these months. She found other things.. I guess I should be happy for her.. Sadly, I think I am..
They say that if you love someone – I mean truly love someone, like I love her, you will let them go when time comes. And so I'm letting go...
So I am happy I guess.. that she's not paining.. and that she has so many people , so
many good friends.. it's time for her to really be happy.
Don’t get wrong – it's killing me inside not to be a part of her life. No , wait.. that's a lie.. no point for that here and now , giving the good relationship I have with you my little LJ– it's killing me not to be the part I used to be in her life.
But she's good now.. and that , unfortunately , is somewhat enough.
Losing your best friend , can you think of anything worse then that? I'm losing mine.
I'm losing you.. I'm losing us. I'll never have the guts to say it to your face, and so I write this on a crappy cowardly LJ. Sad , I know.. but that's just me.
How did I end up losing you? What have I done to you that maid you shine me out of your life like that? How could you replace me so easily ?
It's been 3 days since we talked.. to many to count since we last seen each other..
Are you not seeing this? Do you not care? It's a Friday today.. when do you noe want to see me on a Friday?
How badly did I hurt you? Why wont you talk to me? It's me.. I'll stop the world for you.. give you all that I have.. you should know that!! How can you not?
This has been building for long? I wouldn't know.. you never said a word.. you cant talk to me.. How is that possible?
Like always, I'm to blame.. I pushed one to far.. one to long of being distant.
I cant stop the tears now,, do you have any? I'm not sure you have ..
I have to know what I did wrong.. and how is it that you didn’t tell me? Aren’t we different? We're us! We're honest! It's our thing.. you said it yourself – I have no point of hiding things from you.. was that not the same for you?
You have completely shined me out of your life! Do you even know how hurtful that is?! You're like air to me... biggest love of my life! My first and only..
When have I stopped being that for you? When did she take my place?
How did it .. we .. come to this? How did I make you feel so not important and insignificant to me that you think I will not listen to your every word? And do all I can to help you?
I want my best friend back.. do you want me back?
I'm sorry for being the hard and horrible person that I am.. I'm sorry I'm killing us.. I'm sorry to bomb you with this *like this* with no warning... I'm sorry for a lot of things.. but what I'm most sorry about is you hurting because of me. Because I'm not worth it.. not when you're hurting..
I love you.. always.. because you're my mistress..
Drunken words of love.. i dont need that, i need something to hold on to.. something real.. something to give me air.. something old.. i want to grasp that old feeling of mine.
How? When did i become *just* another brick in that wall? I'm to blame probably.. i'm always to blame. Never good enough.. not once.. not to one..
Poisonous being taunting me from a far. I want to look away.. need to , but i cant.
I can feel it now.. closing in on me.. my life , well.. what little i make of them.. my doings.. my own fucking bitterness.
I want to be them. Want to like it. I do! But cant..
Who ever said "where there's a will there's a way" was fucking with me.. or on LSD.. or maybe , i dont want that.. not really...
Pathetic little princess is having a world of stupidness ans queen issues collapse around her and kill her.. so sad.. so obsolete.. so stupid little princess.
Faked smiles , faked joy, faked life.. hoe much of this can i take? when will that be over for me?
Whats stopping you little princess? You are. I AM. Not them.. never them.
Just a big nothing.. that's all there is for me...
Drunken words of love.. I dont need that. I need more.
But i'll live.. i always do..
yours , Queen M.
first time here...
this LJ will be mostly about my things...
frome music to shopping.
I'm not so sure if it's going to be such an interesting LJ but I'll do my best! I give you my word.